Before reading, let it be known that this is mostly for my own sake… huge venting time with me and God, but maybe someone might benefit from this.
Being at home is just about the only time I can ever seriously write in my LJ. When I’m at school I write, sure, but I think the majority of it is disconnected and basic. Calderwood didn’t burn down, I didn’t have a seizure, the food was on par. But at home my mind no longer has to be focused on all the homework I have to do – that’s not always a good thing because I can have a tendency to dig too deep into things. However, here we go.
I hate sin. It’s something that has bugged me to no end the last week or so. I hate the fact that I, along with all the rest of people in the world can fall into it so easily. Those who think they don’t are either arrogant or ignorant. I dislike the whole depravity of man debate, but in this case, I feel it’s safe to assume that humans aren’t exactly the greatest bunch of organisms. We do so much dumb stuff – I watched Training Day today… regardless of that being a movie, Denzel Washington’s character was so incredibly crooked. Shot a man then took money to save his own butt (btw – the movie was eh. I could see why Denzel recieved the Oscar for it… it was an incredible performance, but once again the sheer amount of profanity turned me off to the point I don’t think I could recommend the movie… I can see why so many people refuse to watch rated R movies). Anyway, it amazes me to no end how we as humans allow Satan to let us have so much power over us. And believe me, I’m not here to point fingers… name just about any sin in the book – lying, cheating, stealing, sexual immorality, etc… I’m guilty, and if the rest of the world were honest, they would have to say the same thing.
But thinking more about that, it’s forgiveness and repentance that are getting me more than anything right now. I’ve placed myself into situations where I screwed up majorly, and ask for forgiveness, and think I’ve recieved it. And I know that God would never withhold forgivness – if I’m truly repentant… and there’s the rub. For example, I could go to bed tonite and ask God to forgive me for swearing last week, but if I go on next week and cuss someone out… what am I doing, really? The more I think my faith has advanced, the more I see maybe I just like to think I’m doing better and just fool myself. Sometimes I feel the Holy Spirit inside of me and I know at those moments I’m doing such powerful work for the kingdom, and there’s times (especially the last couple of weeks) where all I’ve wanted to do was hide the fact I was a Christian, hide the fact that I should (and that I wanted) to live up to a higher standard than what the world asks. And that angers me to no end. How can I give a Bible Study one night and then the next night lust after a girl? How can I give the gospel and then cheat on a test? It wouldn’t be bad if it were a one time deal, but I keep doing it. That’s where the whole repentance thing comes into play. I realize the things I do are wrong, and I must make a point to want to end them. I realize I can’t do it on my own: God helps. But I also have to be willing to make that change.
I’m angry now. I’m angry that Satan has had so much power over me. I’m angry that I choose to let him take advantage of me and my friends at will. And, more than anything, I’m angry that I don’t do much of anything to stop it. I have been tested more as a Christian in the last year and a half of my life, and I really wonder sometimes how much I really let pass. I know for a fact God’s been using situations in my life to lead me up to this point. This all has got to stop. This deception by Satan needs to end. He’s had me in a chokehold… and I’m fighting back. God has given me so much, and all I’ve done is place it to the side for temporary pleasures. Here I am, twenty years old, and there have been times when I have been so taken advantage of by evil and all that hell does that I’m broken. But I know as a fact God’s here. He’s here to pick me up in his arms and tell me it’s all okay, and it’s all over. He won a long time ago, but there’s a battle still raging. If I’m willing to do what he asks of me (and considering the fact that he sent his son to die for me, and that he forgives me even when I do the equivilent of mooning him on occasion, it doesn’t seem like too much), he’ll save me. I just really want my life to count, and I want my life to be something God will be proud of. I want Him to say when I die “you used the time I gave you and the resources I gave you so perfectly… you really made Me happy.”
Oh well… that was a lot of talking. Suffice it to say this break is going to be a lot of soul searching, discussions with God, and changing of heart. I ask that if you think of it, pray for me. I want so badly to be something amazing for God, and I just need help to get there.
Thanks all, talk to you soon.