—here’s that entry… quick, ain’t I?—
So I was watching Ed last night, and you know, if there was one life I wish mine was a little more like, I’d have to say it’d be his. I mean, yeah, I obviously understand that he’s made up character, but dang. I see some similarities between his life and mine (the true mark of a good sitcom, eh?), but there was something in particular that really made me happy…
Ed was trying to decide between two girls – Carol (as always), and Frankie (the new partner in his firm). Ed thought he had made the decision to stay with Frankie, but as he tried to find Carol, he has flashbacks too all of the things he did with Carol: the knight in shining armor, him throwing waffles on Carol’s roof – all these little things. And I couldn’t help but think that’s exactly what I want in my life. I want a girl who loves silly, offbeat humor, that’d really think it was cute if I did whacked-out romantic stuff. Like write an LFO song dedicated to her (telephone poles, Dinty Moore beef stew / I’m glad I found a girl like you). I want a happy love. I think about it, and the loves I’ve had have been things like superficial, overly deep and probing, and just plain depressing. Not really fun, not really enjoyable. It’s always felt like work to make a relationship. And for the longest time I guess… well, I don’t know what I thought, but I’m tired of what I did think. I’m tired of not being off the cuff, jumping around, just BEING FUN. You don’t get too much of that at Grove City, in my experience. You ask a girl out, and either she’s freaked out because she thinks you want to get married, or thinks you want to get married and is all over that, when hey, you just wanted coffee and a smile or two. And I’m almost sure there’s guys like that too. Either way, it sucks that a guy and a girl can’t get together to enjoy themselves without finding a free weekend to get married in the chapel.
Maybe I’m a little bitter. I suppose I could be. The last few months weren’t my favorite in the relationship category. But, y’know, I’ve decided to no longer compromise on who I think is right for me. I AM going to be swept up in it, and I refuse compromise. If I have a hint of “well, maybe this isn’t the right thing… man, I don’t like what she does” or “I don’t like what she brings out in me”, I’m going to listen to myself. After all, what good am I as a friend, a boyfriend, or hey, a man in general, if I don’t trust the one thing I know on this earth that will always be with me – myself?
Another funny thing about this whole love deal. The whole singleness thing doesn’t bother me anymore. I mean, yeah, I love being able to cuddle someone, to protect a girl, and to always be there regardless. I like kissing a girl on a forehead :)… but I’ll tell you what, I’d rather it be with the right girl for the right reasons, and not with someone else. So, when I see other people anymore, I say “Hey – great for them. God’s showing them something… He’s showing me something too.” So often, I think Christians want to take the soverignity of God out of relationships… as if it was all the person’s work. If anything, it’s not their work at all, but God’s grand design in work. See, I think my last few relationships have been like that – I did, and thought “hey, I did this… woot!” And, if you were to check, you’d see both of them ended, and both ended on sour notes… it was me, not God. That’s not to say God didn’t teach me something through it: it taught me that God’s got that perfect someone for me, and I’m getting close… but not quite there. But He’s incredible though in that He’s got it all planned out and when it happens it’s going to knock me off my feet and it’s going to be absolutely perfect and I’m going to look in the skies and that God at that particular moment because I’m going know without any doubt that it was His doing, and it was His design that brought me to her, and her to me. I can’t think of any other way to have it.
Anyway, that’s a sufficent brain dump. I should be adding a few more entries because I’m on break this week. Soon, very soon it will be summer. I just with I had more time with my wonderful friends sans schoolwork. It’d be nice just to party with the lot of ’em. Maybe I’ll organize something before we leave. In either case, right now I’mma sleep. Peace, love, teddy bears.