Tonite I had a chance to see a bunch of my friends from High School – Sam had a party at his house. I came first, then there was Brian and his girlfriend Ashlie, followed by Leslie, Valerie, Brandon and his girlfriend Brenda, Aby, Veronica, Chris Trimbath and his old roommate, Chris, Mary, Joe, and Charlie. And it was funny I guess. I love those people so much. If any one of them needed something, I would be there for them in a heartbeat. I would lay my life down for so many of them, but there’s just a part of me that just felt awkward. I’m not sure why, either. I know tonite, I saw so many of my sins come right back in my face all over again. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of in High School (like most people I guess), and quite a few things this last year I’m not happy about either, and I guess they just all kinda hit me at once. Actually, that’s happened a couple times this break. Lots of things have just hit me at once, and I’ve just had to react… be like “oh, well, yeah, you can’t change the past” and move on. It’s sad, because the more and more I think I become the person God’s calling me to be, the more I think I fall away from it too. Back in High School I was naive about a lot of things… and now that I’m aware, I hate it.
Did I ever say I hate growing up? Well, yeah. I do. Lots. I hate feeling like half the man I could become because I have none of the courage I should. I hate learning that as close as I am, I’m never going to get to where I want. It’s that fallen flaw, I guess. I hate seeing some of the friends at home who I thought were good Christian people falling away from that. I hate the fact that even as I write these words, there’s part of me that feels like a faker… feels like a liar and a waste. I feel just… y’know… worthless.
But, then I think of God. And I think He made me, and He knows that I was going to feel this way. And I rest in the fact that He has a purpose for this. And I feel like He gave me days like today – days where I remember all the dumb stuff I’ve done – to say “Adam, you can see where you can be if you want. And, hey, that life – if you want it, I won’t stop you. In fact, I’m giving you the chance to do so. And if you want, I’ll let you go. I’ll always be here, don’t worry, but then again, I think there’ll come a point when you won’t want me anymore if you go there. But I’m also offering you a better road – one to Me. One where you’re going to have to do a little more work down there, but one that makes things up here a lot better.” God doesn’t force me to do anything, He’s my guide. At 20, I certainly think I’m at a crossroads of my life. In 6 months, I turn 21 and could certainly drink to my heart’s content, but is it the right thing? Am I going to have to turn people down on occasion? Yeah, probably. And what’s the wierdest thing… well, I guess not wierd, lots of theologians have said it… but y’know, the more I know about this God-walk stuff, the more I want to be in it. The more I want to pursue it… the more I want to take it by heart. The more it saddens me when I hear of people just going down the tubes. I see so much sadness, and I feel like I’ve got the answer, but even I don’t always want it… I don’t know. It’s all disheartening.
But, I did have a wonderful time catching up with people… friends I haven’t seen all year. They’re some of the greatest people I know. I’m blessed to have them.
Although, sadly, I am getting a sinus infection. I took sinus nighttime medication, so hopefully that’ll help, and then Dayquil myself to kingdom till it’s gone.
Either way, I’mma sleep.