hmmm

Ever get that feeling of just general restlessness? Just feeling like there’s something you’re unsure about, but can’t exactly put your finger on it? That’s kinda the way I feel now.

Lindsay and I talked about a lot of stuff last night, and I felt it was a really worthwhile time, except we both stayed up until 11:30 or so, and we both had to get up in the 5’o clock hour. Was it worth losing the sleep over? I think yes, because there were issues unresolved that I think we finally did resolve. I just hate making her upset or sad or anything – and for that matter, making anyone sad or upset. It’s that whole do unto others thing I think. I wouldn’t want anyone to take delight in upsetting me.

For those of you who don’t know, and without going into detail, Lindsay and I haven’t exactly had the most perfect of pasts. I feel like we’ve hurt each other a lot, but for some reason there’s always been something that’s kept us together regardless: love, dedication, tenacity, stubbornness (I think it’s the first one, but the others can play into it).

Anyway, after last night and getting some issues taken care of, I realized that for some reason I still hurt because of things in the past; silly times right at the beginning when things weren’t very good. Truth be told, we probably shouldn’t have dated at the time, but we did and there’s not a whole lot we can do about it now.

So I told her somethings that will continue to stay private (I’m open, but not so open there’s no privacy 😉 ), and I’m waiting for her response. I can’t help but feel really exposed though. I let out all the things that are hurting me and left them to hang without knowing for sure what’s going to happen. The odd part is I have no reason at all to assume that she won’t understand what I mean and where I’m coming from. She’s always been so loving and caring and willing to talk things out if I’m upset, and I feel in a way I’m betraying her for even allowing the possibilty she would be uncouth. But I feel like as a person I can be exposed until I try to internalize something, and once I do, it’s tough to dig things back up and set them right. But I feel in the case of Lindsay, it’s making it so I can’t be the type of boyfriend I want to be to her and the one she deserves. And I want to take all the wonderful things about us and the things that makes her so special and beautiful to me and run with it without setting a shield to her. It reminds me of a Fiona Apple song (regenderized, of course):

“All my armour falling down
At a pile at my feet
And my winter’s giving way to warmth
As I’m singing her to sleep”

That’s what I think we’re both trying so hard to do is to lay our armour down and move on. And I think this is what the Lord would want, so I want to pursue it. I just need to talk to her, and I need to see her again soon (Saturday!!!!!! :-D).

Regardless the case, I’ve fallen for her hard, and I love her.

Today it’s getting a haircut, and going out with the grandparents before going back to school. And hopefully talking to Linds about things and her interview.

Peace, love, kaboodles,
a.

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