Do you want me to change? Well, I’ve changed for good.

It seems stupid sometimes, but I can’t help but have this just depressed feeling of late. It’s this general apathetic feeling that I wonder why I’m here most of the time. My friend from high school and I spoke on it briefly:

Me:There’s been times this semester where I just don’t know why I’m doing the college thing anymore. It’s lost most of its appeal.
Friend: i hear ya. i mean of course you have to do it; there are times that i am so busy and i think if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like, i don’t think i want to go that way
Friend: i’m just wondering if ambition is really worth it.. yeah it would be cool to get a great job and have money, but would i really be happy? would i be stressed all the time? i want to move down south and have lemonade in the sun on my porch.. to me that would be happiness right now.. not commuting into some big city to work at a desk all day
Me Personally, I’d be content building houses somewhere.
Friend it’s weird how things change
Me: yeah.

That part especially made me think. Is ambition really worth it? Have I been fooling myself all this time thinking that if I go to college, get that job, live that life, I’m going to be made? It’s something that has bothered me for awhile. And obviously, there’s the answer that I’ve always needed to realize that my focus is God, and that I need to live for Him alone. But, is there anything wrong with living well for God? I don’t know. It comes down to, fundamentally, that I’ve lost a lot of drive. I just see the same blasted thing every day. Get up. Take shower in piss-poor shower. Go to class. Breakfast. Class. Dinner. Maybe a class. Studying the same garbage everyday. And if I’m lucky I’ll go to bed in enough time. And in return, this school gives you a piece of paper and maybe a couple movies that are 6 weeks out anyway. BLAH!

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