The ins and outs of home

First, I’m finally on the dean’s list! woot! 3.46 and I’m feelin’ fine!

I’m beginning to feel as though there’s going to be an ever widening chasm between my family and me. This example just about proves it. I’m sitting around, telling my family stuff that I just keep remembering about life, and I mentioned that sometime I’d like to take a trip to a couple graduate schools, namely the University of Michigan and Penn State University. Immediately, after I said those, the first thing I hear from my mother is “oh, that’s too far”. I’m tired of living my life inside this narrow 2 hour radius. I want to open and and see something beyond where I am. Penn State and UMich have some of the top Education schools in the country, and dang it, if I can get into them, I’m not going to let 6 or 7 hours get in the way. It’s just so frustrating to think that my parents who were so “Adam, you do whatever you want and we’ll be supportive of you as best we can” all of the sudden have left. It actually pretty sad to me, now that I think about it.

After that, my mom decided to tell me that it seemed silly for me to go to master’s school because “you’re leaving loan free, and we did this so you can settle down and get out in the real world”. In the next year I see this becoming a point of contention. If I find that I’m meant to be in graduate school and start paying for it with loans, my parents are going to not be happy. And in one way I see they’re doing it for my good. They don’t want me having to pay on loans until my children decide to go to college. But I see the difference between working for 25,000 dollars and working for 75,000-80,000 if I get moving on that masters. But then I think that maybe I will want to work out of college, get a couple years of money and experience under my belt and then move on. I just feel that it should be my decision, and I want to be supported by my family, not told what to do. I’m going to be 22 years old when I graduate, and for goodness sakes, you’d figure I’d be able to have the ultimate decision in my destiny by this point. I guess it’s the problems of having a micromanager as a mother – everything needs to be in its exact place in the exact time. I’ve never wanted to live my life in black and whites, but in steady shades of gray that blend into color as a go along. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a gameplan or goals, it means I’ll get to them either by walking through the doors or climbing through the windows. Just please, family, don’t make me feel foolish in the interim.

I think I expect too much from them overall. Here I am, gone for 9 months, and then expect that for 3 they’re going to change for me. So for the next few months I have to put my Grove City College life on hold. The aspiriations I had there have to be humbled. Though it’s not all bad. I notice after many fights with my family that I develop a certain arrogance after I come back, and I don’t like that. So they humble me pretty quick, I get back into line and feel a lot better. I just can’t figure out what’s wrong here, though. It just seems like this household isn’t as inviting as it used to be. There seems like there’s such a resentment against me. My parents keep saying “it’s all you, you’re the one thinking this up”… but how does that solve anything? Thanks for telling me it’s my problem everyone. So you say you’re not different, you won’t change, and that anything I feel is my fault. How do I fix it?

Fights with the family. Fights with the adminstration at school. Fights with my girlfriend. Fights with myself. Fights with my past. You’d think I would have gotten good with stress managment, but I handle it worse each time it comes around.

Is it sad that I don’t remeber the last time I felt euphoric? Or is it that after 21 you’re stuck with content? Those of you older and wiser, fill me in. Because either I need to get used to it, or start search for what I left way back when. I’m sinking into mediocracy, and I need to find a way to get out, or it’s going to kill me.

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