Yep folks, we’re coming down to the last of the last. Thursday, Friday, Monday, Thursday. And that’s it. And then it’s the relaxation of Maine. I can’t wait to get away for a little bit. I’ve determined (like I said before), it’s going to be me, my Bible, my Journal (my real written one I used for my prayer journal), and hours sitting on the rocks in prayer and meditation. I’m learning that’s what I need.
Lately, as I’ve been reviewing my summer, I’m finding out that my walk is falling by the wayside a little bit. Where I was hoping to be now isn’t where I am. And I really only have myself to blame for any of it. Every summer I go into it with the thought that I’ll read my Bible more and I’ll draw closer to God, when really I let a lot of things get in my way – work, sleeping, running, petty arguments, whatever. They all serve to draw my focus away from Jesus.
The worst part is I’m someone easily distracted. I get focused into praying, and then my mind will wander and I don’t pay attention to the original reason why I was praying. It’s comical, because I’ll pray “Lord, please help me to be more forgiving of others” and then I’ll think “well, he did this and he did that and it made me mad”.
And I think about the fact next year I’ll be doing the Bible studies for the Buffaloes, and if I’m really at a point where I can lead these guys spiritually. It was easy in High School to believe I was because I didn’t know as much as I know now. Now I’m afraid, and I feel empty, and it’s real close to the time when I have to start stepping it up.
I haven’t felt more empty or more upset at my own attitudes then I do now. And it’s tough right now to believe Justin McRoberts when he writes:
“…Lead from weakness. What do we want to lead people to? A relationship with Jesus. What is the basis of our relationship with Jesus? His Grace. Doesn’t it make sense then, that one of the most important things to teach is failure. For, it is only in failure that we recognize our need for His Grace and find therein a relationship with Jesus…”
And maybe if there’s something I’ve learned this summer, it’s that. I’m not nearly as good as I thought I was. I’m a lair, I’m arrogant, I crave satisfaction from other people, I give into lust on a regular basis, I can treat people poorly, and I’m a sinful being that has fallen far away from the glories God has promised. But therein lies the wonderful part of God. Christ died on the cross for guys like me. He died so I could keep going and keep trying. And while people may not be able to forgive and encourage and edify, God will.
Every summer previous God’s made it easy. God has let me relax and learn things slowly. And this year He hasn’t. This year it’s been trial by fire. The consolation I have, however, is that if God is training me hard now, the race coming up will be big. My witness can grow, and makes me think more and more how exciting of a year this is going to be upcoming.
Thank you Father for loving me even when I don’t love myself.