When I try to be inflective, and try to learn more about what makes me tick, I’ve come to find that one of the toughest parts of my life is balancing confidence with humility and self-deprication. I want as much as possible to be someone who exudes confidence – who at least looks like and at most does have his stuff together. For one, it keeps me strong – it keeps me thinking “alright, I’ve got what I need to have in control there – I can keep going”, and for two, I want to be the person that people come to for their strength. I love feeling like a pillar of support for those who need it. And it’s that feeling that I have it together that keeps me feeling like I can provide that.
Then something happens on the way. I fail. I don’t keep things together – someone I know needs something I can’t provide it. Then I start feeling that confidence chip away, because I’ve found I’m my worst critic. I find things in myself that aren’t really all there, but it’s so easy in my own thoughts to be accusatory. Or I’ll think someone else has thought something, when it’s just my perceptions. And the self-deprication starts in earnest.
Failure happens. And that’s okay. Failure is just success once removed. But when I start thinking of it in terms of its own situation as opposed to the overall consequences, and its effects, it’s easy to get my mind blocked.
Humility is the wild card that keeps the two balanced, however. Because humility is the realization that while I’m not perfect and can’t do everything right, I’ve been blessed with a personal relationship with the One who is always right. He can form what I can’t do and fit it to his perfect plan.
I only wish that I would just follow what He says is right first instead of having to learn the hard way.