i felt compelled to write.

two things:

one, i watched “the life aquatic” and realized that i like wes anderson movies, even though i do not really want to. what i mean to say is that when i watch a movie such as “the life aquatic” or “the royal tennenbaums”, they express roughly the same idea, that of washed up individuals making the best out of a lackluster life and come to grips much too late. i feel distressed by it. anderson has a subtle way of relating the characters to the audience that makes one feel sympathy beyond what would normally come from a movie. on a few occasions i felt real pain for steve zissou’s character, because i could, in my own way, feel the pains of loss he had. it was interesting, a movie i would not have spent seven dollars to watch in a theatre (probably not four for a matinee, either), but in the comfort of my own home and for 3.50, not too bad. along those lines would be “i heart huckabees”, which was an existentialist/nihilist lecture i received in spec mind two years back in a two hour glitzy package.

i feel that with those two movies and “zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance” i’ve done more brainwork in the last three weeks than i did the entire year at school. well, at least the majority of the last semester.

two, i wanted to put a part of my dear friend scott loresch’s journal in here, because i found it so insightful (as he is on multiple occasions):

[after being struck by a short inspiration to write] …i think that the Holy Spirit works like that sometimes–at least in my life.
here’s a typical interaction

HS: ::inspiration/conviction:: [suggesting a certain [[or not so certain]] action]
Me: no thanks.
HS: ok.
Me: WHAT?!
HS: have it your way.

I’m dumbfounded by my own freedom. That’s power. With all the potential to grow me into something worthwhile or to turn me into something else. I can’t deny that the HS gives me guidance, but sometimes maybe I expect the HS to hold my hand, or something, but where’s the value in that? What lasting effect would that have on my character? To make a puppet out of me? There are real choices to be made here. Not that I have any great understanding of freedom or will or choice [an ignorance which is well stated by Charles Williams [[colleague and friend of lewis]] see two entries down…], all of which are undefined [or poorly defined] terms in my vocab, essentially, except relative to the extreme determinacy which seems to be not the case.

lately this is something that has bothered me quite a bit. in my heart of late, i have felt not necessarily complacent, but rather neutral to God and my walk. it is much of what you hear when people say they are in dead-end jobs: they go to work, mindlessly shift papers and go home at the end of the day. the fire that so often was in my life has been barely embers and ash. the worst part is my desire to feel more aligned with the Spirit is higher than i can remember. i want to walk closer with God, but He feels distant. maybe i expect the Holy Spirit to hold my hand. it is a lonely feeling, one i want to be done with (or, at least i’m telling myself i want to be done with it. the choice of character over comfort is something i can talk about but cannot always follow through on).

anyway, that is enough for tonight. i am going to see my apartment in erie tomorrow, and getting ready to head to beaver falls and geneva. those feelings are an entire entry on their own. peaceandlove


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