So lately all I’ve been posting are my head, heart, and hands articles, which is a marked improvement from what I was doing, but I’ve been extremely inconsistent (or, if you look over the course of my blog, really consistent) in posting, and I’m sorry. I had a gilded age there for awhile.
So this is for you who actually read this because you want to, not because it’s in a newspaper.
Gregg wanted to me journal about my life right now in my private journal, and each time I tried I felt nothing worth writing down. This is usually the case when I have to write somewhere outside of my blog when it comes to me. Ironically, I feel more comfortable speaking my life into the anonymity of the Internet rather than the privacy of my own journal… perhaps I missed my calling to journalism?
Here’s how I sum up where I am right now: I’m a senior in college all over again, but I feel like the stakes are 100 times higher. When I decided on the CCO and Gannon, I had no fear of the next year. I just assumed things would get worked out, and the did. This time around, however, I have fear of things: what happens if I bomb the GRE? What happens if I don’t get accepted into any of the schools I’m applying to? How will I pay for it? What am I going to do from May to August?
I don’t want to live a boring life. As I’ve sat here and thought and prayed and reflected all week, there’s the answer. I don’t want to live a podunk’d life. It’s not that I’m craving to become extreme, but I fight so hard against my life becoming suburban tranquility, which in my mind is really just numbing oneself from the world even merely outside ones house (this, by the way, is not meant to be taken personally, lest you find it describes you).
I’ve also been thinking a lot about the way God loves us and how we should love ourselves that way. And I wonder how much these two things become related. As in, I wonder how much do I not want a podunk’d life because it gives me identity which I could get from God if I let Him. That’s not a complete explanation though, because I’ve been thinking about many of the ideas I have now that I want to do for years.
I guess I don’t want to screw up and be wrong. I don’t want to fail, and I certainly don’t want to be told that I’m a failure. I’m coming at my life right now like I have something to prove to everyone. How much am I going to miss if I keep trying to prove something? How much am I going to not enjoy because I’m defending myself to myself?
I want to take steps with God and allow Him to put me faithfully in a position to serve. I want to serve the poor in the city. There are moments I see that being done with a Degree in Urban Planning. At times I see that being done with a Seminary Degree and a church in the inner city. At times I see a year doing Mission Year. At times I see Teach for America.
Okay. That’s enough for tonight. Suffice it to say for the rest of my CCO buddies who are on the threshold of being done, I understand.