Something else though…

As upset as I was… this brought me some inspiration:

http://www.thespectrum.net/redbean/ramble/jan03.html

“I don’t think its still fully sunk in that I am now a baptized believer in the house of God. Thanks to everyone for all the support whether or not you were physically there at the church, it all means a lot to me 🙂 Someone told me that it seemed the congregation was happier than those of us being baptized…I have 3 days and 2 nights of the ACF retreat to blame for not being as “excited” I guess, but believe me, I was jumping up and down on the inside 😉 Praise God!”

That’s so wonderful!

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Update on my three week hopes:

I’ve determined that I’m going to do all I can to make this last 3 weeks right. I’m just going to do what I think is best, and stop making the same stupid, STUPID mistakes I’ve been making. I think I’m completely capable to 3 weeks, wouldn’t you say?

Day 1 – Not nearly as good as I would have hoped. I did indeed make many of the same mistakes I have in the last few months, and with great regularity. I’m like that though. I start out slow, figure out things, and work back up. So, I’m going to start really working on getting through these little things. I was so unstressed till some things came back up… now it’s just one more thing, and it’s the straw breaking my back. But, like in After My All “So before my all has been run through / I’ll give the whole of me to You / Wait for Your Word in all I do, and walk in Your strength”… I just hope that can be my prayer all the rest of this year.

SCORE: 4 / 10

Last day of break…

Yeah… so today is really my last offical day of break. The update on my work on the week:

Cleaning Room – Check
Getting clothes taken care of for the rest of the year – Check
Pirates Tickets Cash Sent – Check
Rewriting Resume for next week – Check
Memorizing Lines – Check (of course there’ll be tune-ups)
Paper for Legal Political – 1/5 done
Figuring out work for the summer – Check on my end… now just prayers.
Catching up on Accounting – meh… tomorrow’s a great day.

Tomorrow will include afformentioned Accounting, Manufacturing, and my RA letter to my guys next semester. I’m excited for that. But it’s funny. There’s a completely different feeling my mind and heart about the RA thing as compared to the OB thing. OB felt much more glamorous. It was not only the thing I wanted to do (I love working with freshmen. I would have no problem working as an admissions counselor at GCC after graduation), but it was also en vogue. I was certainly in part motivated by that… also that wasn’t my main intention. OB really was a way to prepare me to become an RA. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. It was almost a preview – I got to see the freshman at their most worried, their most vulnerable. I was there, and my RAs helped so much. I’ve just wanted to reciprocate.

Anyway, yeah… tomorrow will be work, but I’m going to the Coffee Grove, which is quickly becoming my home away from home away from home. Nothing like a table, chai or latte, and chilling with the books. The place certainly promotes a study atmosphere, and as most people won’t be back until late, I can afford the time away. Also, I’ll hope to get more done on my Legal Political Paper, and get my Spec Mind Reading done. It’s okay though. 3 more weeks… 3 more weeks.

I’ve determined that I’m going to do all I can to make this last 3 weeks right. I’m just going to do what I think is best, and stop making the same stupid, STUPID mistakes I’ve been making. I think I’m completely capable to 3 weeks, wouldn’t you say?

Anyway, benadril and dayquil in my body, I’m off to dream. peace, love, Indian Pop Music.

Evenin’

Tonite I had a chance to see a bunch of my friends from High School – Sam had a party at his house. I came first, then there was Brian and his girlfriend Ashlie, followed by Leslie, Valerie, Brandon and his girlfriend Brenda, Aby, Veronica, Chris Trimbath and his old roommate, Chris, Mary, Joe, and Charlie. And it was funny I guess. I love those people so much. If any one of them needed something, I would be there for them in a heartbeat. I would lay my life down for so many of them, but there’s just a part of me that just felt awkward. I’m not sure why, either. I know tonite, I saw so many of my sins come right back in my face all over again. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of in High School (like most people I guess), and quite a few things this last year I’m not happy about either, and I guess they just all kinda hit me at once. Actually, that’s happened a couple times this break. Lots of things have just hit me at once, and I’ve just had to react… be like “oh, well, yeah, you can’t change the past” and move on. It’s sad, because the more and more I think I become the person God’s calling me to be, the more I think I fall away from it too. Back in High School I was naive about a lot of things… and now that I’m aware, I hate it.

Did I ever say I hate growing up? Well, yeah. I do. Lots. I hate feeling like half the man I could become because I have none of the courage I should. I hate learning that as close as I am, I’m never going to get to where I want. It’s that fallen flaw, I guess. I hate seeing some of the friends at home who I thought were good Christian people falling away from that. I hate the fact that even as I write these words, there’s part of me that feels like a faker… feels like a liar and a waste. I feel just… y’know… worthless.

But, then I think of God. And I think He made me, and He knows that I was going to feel this way. And I rest in the fact that He has a purpose for this. And I feel like He gave me days like today – days where I remember all the dumb stuff I’ve done – to say “Adam, you can see where you can be if you want. And, hey, that life – if you want it, I won’t stop you. In fact, I’m giving you the chance to do so. And if you want, I’ll let you go. I’ll always be here, don’t worry, but then again, I think there’ll come a point when you won’t want me anymore if you go there. But I’m also offering you a better road – one to Me. One where you’re going to have to do a little more work down there, but one that makes things up here a lot better.” God doesn’t force me to do anything, He’s my guide. At 20, I certainly think I’m at a crossroads of my life. In 6 months, I turn 21 and could certainly drink to my heart’s content, but is it the right thing? Am I going to have to turn people down on occasion? Yeah, probably. And what’s the wierdest thing… well, I guess not wierd, lots of theologians have said it… but y’know, the more I know about this God-walk stuff, the more I want to be in it. The more I want to pursue it… the more I want to take it by heart. The more it saddens me when I hear of people just going down the tubes. I see so much sadness, and I feel like I’ve got the answer, but even I don’t always want it… I don’t know. It’s all disheartening.

But, I did have a wonderful time catching up with people… friends I haven’t seen all year. They’re some of the greatest people I know. I’m blessed to have them.

Although, sadly, I am getting a sinus infection. I took sinus nighttime medication, so hopefully that’ll help, and then Dayquil myself to kingdom till it’s gone.

Either way, I’mma sleep.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VALERIE!!!!!!

Argh…

So I had this really nice LiveJournal entry all set and ready to go… and wouldn’t you know it, I go to look for it this morning… totally not there. Oh well. Basically it said that I have logged 730 IM conversations. The longest (March 27th) and most went to Lindsay Palm. Over 32 percent of my total IMing comprised of Lindsay (7%), Adam Benjamin (6%), Dave Lewis, Russell Stelts, Ryan Anderson (my brother, and all at 5%), and Mike Dhonau (4%). The most anyone at home IMed me was 2.5%. I’ve talked to myself 6 times. 🙂

Anyway, it looked a lot cooler than that. But, oh well. I’m going over to my grandmothers this afternoon to help with some stuff, then hopefully getting together to see some folks. peece.

Checklist of the week:

Cleaning Room – Check
Getting clothes taken care of for the rest of the year – Check
Pirates Tickets Cash Sent – Check
Rewriting Resume for next week – Check
Memorizing Lines – 1/3 done
Paper for Legal Political – 1/10 done
Figuring out work for the summer – the call’s in… so maybe 1/4 done
Catching up on Accounting – meh… still got 5 days.

And you call this break m’boy? Oh no, this is “get work done week”.

song for ya’ll

Kinda apropos to what I’ve been talking to lately. I really love this song:

Wait for Me
from Transform
by Rebecca St. James

Darling did you know that I
I dream about you
Waiting for the look in your eyes
When we meet for the first time
Darling did you know that I
I pray about you
Praying that you will hold on
Keep your loving eyes only for me

I am waiting for
Praying for you, darling
Wait for me, too
Wait for me as I wait for you
I am waiting for
Praying for you, darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me, as I wait for you
Darling, wait

Darling did you know I dream about life together
Knowing it will be forever
I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine
And darling when I say
‘Til death do us part
I’ll mean it with all of my heart
Now and always, faithful to you

repeat chorus

Now I know you may have made mistakes
But there’s forgiveness and a second chance
So wait for me darling
Wait for me
Wait for me