Something else though…

As upset as I was… this brought me some inspiration:

http://www.thespectrum.net/redbean/ramble/jan03.html

“I don’t think its still fully sunk in that I am now a baptized believer in the house of God. Thanks to everyone for all the support whether or not you were physically there at the church, it all means a lot to me πŸ™‚ Someone told me that it seemed the congregation was happier than those of us being baptized…I have 3 days and 2 nights of the ACF retreat to blame for not being as “excited” I guess, but believe me, I was jumping up and down on the inside πŸ˜‰ Praise God!”

That’s so wonderful!

Update on my three week hopes:

I’ve determined that I’m going to do all I can to make this last 3 weeks right. I’m just going to do what I think is best, and stop making the same stupid, STUPID mistakes I’ve been making. I think I’m completely capable to 3 weeks, wouldn’t you say?

Day 1 – Not nearly as good as I would have hoped. I did indeed make many of the same mistakes I have in the last few months, and with great regularity. I’m like that though. I start out slow, figure out things, and work back up. So, I’m going to start really working on getting through these little things. I was so unstressed till some things came back up… now it’s just one more thing, and it’s the straw breaking my back. But, like in After My All “So before my all has been run through / I’ll give the whole of me to You / Wait for Your Word in all I do, and walk in Your strength”… I just hope that can be my prayer all the rest of this year.

SCORE: 4 / 10

Last day of break…

Yeah… so today is really my last offical day of break. The update on my work on the week:

Cleaning Room – Check
Getting clothes taken care of for the rest of the year – Check
Pirates Tickets Cash Sent – Check
Rewriting Resume for next week – Check
Memorizing Lines – Check (of course there’ll be tune-ups)
Paper for Legal Political – 1/5 done
Figuring out work for the summer – Check on my end… now just prayers.
Catching up on Accounting – meh… tomorrow’s a great day.

Tomorrow will include afformentioned Accounting, Manufacturing, and my RA letter to my guys next semester. I’m excited for that. But it’s funny. There’s a completely different feeling my mind and heart about the RA thing as compared to the OB thing. OB felt much more glamorous. It was not only the thing I wanted to do (I love working with freshmen. I would have no problem working as an admissions counselor at GCC after graduation), but it was also en vogue. I was certainly in part motivated by that… also that wasn’t my main intention. OB really was a way to prepare me to become an RA. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. It was almost a preview – I got to see the freshman at their most worried, their most vulnerable. I was there, and my RAs helped so much. I’ve just wanted to reciprocate.

Anyway, yeah… tomorrow will be work, but I’m going to the Coffee Grove, which is quickly becoming my home away from home away from home. Nothing like a table, chai or latte, and chilling with the books. The place certainly promotes a study atmosphere, and as most people won’t be back until late, I can afford the time away. Also, I’ll hope to get more done on my Legal Political Paper, and get my Spec Mind Reading done. It’s okay though. 3 more weeks… 3 more weeks.

I’ve determined that I’m going to do all I can to make this last 3 weeks right. I’m just going to do what I think is best, and stop making the same stupid, STUPID mistakes I’ve been making. I think I’m completely capable to 3 weeks, wouldn’t you say?

Anyway, benadril and dayquil in my body, I’m off to dream. peace, love, Indian Pop Music.

Evenin’

Tonite I had a chance to see a bunch of my friends from High School – Sam had a party at his house. I came first, then there was Brian and his girlfriend Ashlie, followed by Leslie, Valerie, Brandon and his girlfriend Brenda, Aby, Veronica, Chris Trimbath and his old roommate, Chris, Mary, Joe, and Charlie. And it was funny I guess. I love those people so much. If any one of them needed something, I would be there for them in a heartbeat. I would lay my life down for so many of them, but there’s just a part of me that just felt awkward. I’m not sure why, either. I know tonite, I saw so many of my sins come right back in my face all over again. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of in High School (like most people I guess), and quite a few things this last year I’m not happy about either, and I guess they just all kinda hit me at once. Actually, that’s happened a couple times this break. Lots of things have just hit me at once, and I’ve just had to react… be like “oh, well, yeah, you can’t change the past” and move on. It’s sad, because the more and more I think I become the person God’s calling me to be, the more I think I fall away from it too. Back in High School I was naive about a lot of things… and now that I’m aware, I hate it.

Did I ever say I hate growing up? Well, yeah. I do. Lots. I hate feeling like half the man I could become because I have none of the courage I should. I hate learning that as close as I am, I’m never going to get to where I want. It’s that fallen flaw, I guess. I hate seeing some of the friends at home who I thought were good Christian people falling away from that. I hate the fact that even as I write these words, there’s part of me that feels like a faker… feels like a liar and a waste. I feel just… y’know… worthless.

But, then I think of God. And I think He made me, and He knows that I was going to feel this way. And I rest in the fact that He has a purpose for this. And I feel like He gave me days like today – days where I remember all the dumb stuff I’ve done – to say “Adam, you can see where you can be if you want. And, hey, that life – if you want it, I won’t stop you. In fact, I’m giving you the chance to do so. And if you want, I’ll let you go. I’ll always be here, don’t worry, but then again, I think there’ll come a point when you won’t want me anymore if you go there. But I’m also offering you a better road – one to Me. One where you’re going to have to do a little more work down there, but one that makes things up here a lot better.” God doesn’t force me to do anything, He’s my guide. At 20, I certainly think I’m at a crossroads of my life. In 6 months, I turn 21 and could certainly drink to my heart’s content, but is it the right thing? Am I going to have to turn people down on occasion? Yeah, probably. And what’s the wierdest thing… well, I guess not wierd, lots of theologians have said it… but y’know, the more I know about this God-walk stuff, the more I want to be in it. The more I want to pursue it… the more I want to take it by heart. The more it saddens me when I hear of people just going down the tubes. I see so much sadness, and I feel like I’ve got the answer, but even I don’t always want it… I don’t know. It’s all disheartening.

But, I did have a wonderful time catching up with people… friends I haven’t seen all year. They’re some of the greatest people I know. I’m blessed to have them.

Although, sadly, I am getting a sinus infection. I took sinus nighttime medication, so hopefully that’ll help, and then Dayquil myself to kingdom till it’s gone.

Either way, I’mma sleep.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VALERIE!!!!!!

Argh…

So I had this really nice LiveJournal entry all set and ready to go… and wouldn’t you know it, I go to look for it this morning… totally not there. Oh well. Basically it said that I have logged 730 IM conversations. The longest (March 27th) and most went to Lindsay Palm. Over 32 percent of my total IMing comprised of Lindsay (7%), Adam Benjamin (6%), Dave Lewis, Russell Stelts, Ryan Anderson (my brother, and all at 5%), and Mike Dhonau (4%). The most anyone at home IMed me was 2.5%. I’ve talked to myself 6 times. πŸ™‚

Anyway, it looked a lot cooler than that. But, oh well. I’m going over to my grandmothers this afternoon to help with some stuff, then hopefully getting together to see some folks. peece.

Checklist of the week:

Cleaning Room – Check
Getting clothes taken care of for the rest of the year – Check
Pirates Tickets Cash Sent – Check
Rewriting Resume for next week – Check
Memorizing Lines – 1/3 done
Paper for Legal Political – 1/10 done
Figuring out work for the summer – the call’s in… so maybe 1/4 done
Catching up on Accounting – meh… still got 5 days.

And you call this break m’boy? Oh no, this is “get work done week”.

song for ya’ll

Kinda apropos to what I’ve been talking to lately. I really love this song:

Wait for Me
from Transform
by Rebecca St. James

Darling did you know that I
I dream about you
Waiting for the look in your eyes
When we meet for the first time
Darling did you know that I
I pray about you
Praying that you will hold on
Keep your loving eyes only for me

I am waiting for
Praying for you, darling
Wait for me, too
Wait for me as I wait for you
I am waiting for
Praying for you, darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me, as I wait for you
Darling, wait

Darling did you know I dream about life together
Knowing it will be forever
I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine
And darling when I say
‘Til death do us part
I’ll mean it with all of my heart
Now and always, faithful to you

repeat chorus

Now I know you may have made mistakes
But there’s forgiveness and a second chance
So wait for me darling
Wait for me
Wait for me

Edward J. Stevens… and the general love life of one Adam William Robert Anderson.

—here’s that entry… quick, ain’t I?—

So I was watching Ed last night, and you know, if there was one life I wish mine was a little more like, I’d have to say it’d be his. I mean, yeah, I obviously understand that he’s made up character, but dang. I see some similarities between his life and mine (the true mark of a good sitcom, eh?), but there was something in particular that really made me happy…

Ed was trying to decide between two girls – Carol (as always), and Frankie (the new partner in his firm). Ed thought he had made the decision to stay with Frankie, but as he tried to find Carol, he has flashbacks too all of the things he did with Carol: the knight in shining armor, him throwing waffles on Carol’s roof – all these little things. And I couldn’t help but think that’s exactly what I want in my life. I want a girl who loves silly, offbeat humor, that’d really think it was cute if I did whacked-out romantic stuff. Like write an LFO song dedicated to her (telephone poles, Dinty Moore beef stew / I’m glad I found a girl like you). I want a happy love. I think about it, and the loves I’ve had have been things like superficial, overly deep and probing, and just plain depressing. Not really fun, not really enjoyable. It’s always felt like work to make a relationship. And for the longest time I guess… well, I don’t know what I thought, but I’m tired of what I did think. I’m tired of not being off the cuff, jumping around, just BEING FUN. You don’t get too much of that at Grove City, in my experience. You ask a girl out, and either she’s freaked out because she thinks you want to get married, or thinks you want to get married and is all over that, when hey, you just wanted coffee and a smile or two. And I’m almost sure there’s guys like that too. Either way, it sucks that a guy and a girl can’t get together to enjoy themselves without finding a free weekend to get married in the chapel.

Maybe I’m a little bitter. I suppose I could be. The last few months weren’t my favorite in the relationship category. But, y’know, I’ve decided to no longer compromise on who I think is right for me. I AM going to be swept up in it, and I refuse compromise. If I have a hint of “well, maybe this isn’t the right thing… man, I don’t like what she does” or “I don’t like what she brings out in me”, I’m going to listen to myself. After all, what good am I as a friend, a boyfriend, or hey, a man in general, if I don’t trust the one thing I know on this earth that will always be with me – myself?

Another funny thing about this whole love deal. The whole singleness thing doesn’t bother me anymore. I mean, yeah, I love being able to cuddle someone, to protect a girl, and to always be there regardless. I like kissing a girl on a forehead :)… but I’ll tell you what, I’d rather it be with the right girl for the right reasons, and not with someone else. So, when I see other people anymore, I say “Hey – great for them. God’s showing them something… He’s showing me something too.” So often, I think Christians want to take the soverignity of God out of relationships… as if it was all the person’s work. If anything, it’s not their work at all, but God’s grand design in work. See, I think my last few relationships have been like that – I did, and thought “hey, I did this… woot!” And, if you were to check, you’d see both of them ended, and both ended on sour notes… it was me, not God. That’s not to say God didn’t teach me something through it: it taught me that God’s got that perfect someone for me, and I’m getting close… but not quite there. But He’s incredible though in that He’s got it all planned out and when it happens it’s going to knock me off my feet and it’s going to be absolutely perfect and I’m going to look in the skies and that God at that particular moment because I’m going know without any doubt that it was His doing, and it was His design that brought me to her, and her to me. I can’t think of any other way to have it.

Anyway, that’s a sufficent brain dump. I should be adding a few more entries because I’m on break this week. Soon, very soon it will be summer. I just with I had more time with my wonderful friends sans schoolwork. It’d be nice just to party with the lot of ’em. Maybe I’ll organize something before we leave. In either case, right now I’mma sleep. Peace, love, teddy bears.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday…

First off, I have to say, looking back on all of my livejournal entries, my usual mood is “content”… and so it is today. It’s not a bad mood to be in. I’m not moping on the ground, but I’m also not one of those “always so happy it makes you vomit” types.

Anyway, today begins my week long break. Let me tell you… I’ve needed it. I’ve just been getting behind on everything – not so behind that I don’t think it’s possible to salvage my life, but far enough that it’s nice to have this break. I’m also going to try to get ahead in the next couple of days – write a paper due in May and whatnot – I’ve got enough with the One Acts and everything coming up, I don’t need too much looming over me (And everyone who reads this is invited to One Acts May 1-3 at school. Leave me a comment if you’d like more info). I just can’t wait until summer. I can’t wait for parties with people from back home, money making, and keeping up with the kids at school. It’ll invigorate me. But what’s funny is that this week really did something to me. I had a chance to meet some new people, and don’t know if it was that or just a change in attitude, but the last few days I’ve felt like a load’s been lifted from my shoulders. Things are just looking better and better. I’m beginning to feel just… better in general. A lot of faith in people has been restored in the last few days, and that makes me really happy. The light at the end of the tunnel has finally eclipsed, and I’m blessed because of it.

‘ight… well, I have to get to sleepybye… early day and hard work ahead! W00t!