mmm good song time

I’m sorry it’s been so long, and all I’m providing is a song, but I promise I’ll write more later… promise.

This a good song because it really is many of things I want in someone… and the bridge is something of a mantra for me now… I’m just going to enjoy life as it as, and look forward to the future.

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
That it alone does not equate wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion?
But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware?
And don’t believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that
Loving someone can actually feel like freedom? are you funny?
la self-deprecating? like adventure? and have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I’m in no hurry I could wait forever
I’m in no rush cuz I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure in the meantime
I’ll live like there’s no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed? more than three times a week?
Up for being experimental? are you athletic?
Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? are you not addicted?
…curious and communicative…

Good Mo’nin

Here my day yesterday:

I’ve decided to keep a running log of what’s going on in Maine this year. I haven’t done that for the last few years I’ve gone, but considering this may be the last time with my grandparents and my brother, I figure I should for posterity’s sake. Also, for those of you who read my journal on a regular basis, this is atypical because there’s a lot more minutia, which I typically don’t like to do.

Rain. 58F. It’s almost 9:30, and since we started driving an hour and a half ago, it’s been nothing but rain. We just passed the “Welcome to PA” sign on I-90 on our way to Erie to Buffalo to Syracuse to Watertown. In hindsight, we probably could go a little further today, but I think we’re going to try to take the trip back in 2 days because there’s a classical concert that it’s one of the churches. Ryan and I went last year and really enjoyed ourselves.

I’m trying to work on the mission statement and later executive summary for my Business Plan. There are two things I’ve set to accomplish this year while on vacation, and that’s to do this executive summary and to get Bible Studies done for the Buffaloes up until about November. If I can go further, great. So far I’m planning on doing a study on the application of the fruits of the spirit, and then working on the heart of Jesus and who he is as a man. It should be meaningful for both me and the rest of the guys.

10:11 – In New York. Still raining. Doesn’t look as though there’s any end in sight. On the I-90 turnpike too. So it’ll be quick driving. I really could afford to use the bathroom. And the grapes look nice. Mission statment is about done… the first time. It’ll probably be done for good in March when we have to turn it in.

1:22 – Half way between Buffalo and Syracuse and it’s just cloudy. Speaking of Buffalo, why is it “An All America Town”? Not All American? Someone from there full me in. Mission statement done. Now on to executive statement. Listening now to Gin and Juice by Snoop Dogg. Laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

2:44 – Off of I-90 and on my way to Watertown. Listening to Rush Limbaugh, and while I don’t always agree with his politics, I have to admit I agree with what he’s saying with McGeevey. I think there’s more to that whole story. Also, Julia Child is dead. She was 92, and seemed like she’d live forever. Also, hurricane Charlie is going to hit Florida in an hour. He’s a category 4.

3:57 – In Watertown, NY. Finally.

This morning so far I had one thing to talk about. I went over to the room where they were serving breakfast and there was this kid complaining about having to dress up. His mom replied “you have to dress up becuase you have to go to a funeral.”

“What’s a funeral, mom?”
Silence.
“What was it, a finerial?”
“A funeral.”
“What’s a funeral, mom?”
“Well, you’re going to have to ask your grandma.”

This was funny enough in and of itself, but only got better soon after:

“Grammy, what’s a funeral?”
Silence.
“Grammy, what is a funeral?”
“Well, I’m going to head upstairs”
“Bye mom, have a good day” says the kid’s mom.

That was a delight.

It’s not raining, which is also a delight. We’ll be in Montpelier this afternoon early and I think I’m going to be getting together with Amy Bowers which can go under the delight category. So all in all, day 2 of Maine ’04 is shaping up to be a… well, you know.

peaceandlove

Alright… couple things political:

Chances are you won’t agree with what I’m saying, but if you do, great 🙂

If you don’t, feel free to comment and I’ll clarify:

1) McGreevy should be resigning. Not because he’s gay, but because he was stupid enough to put his gay lover in a position that I’m sure he knew he couldn’t get the security clearance for. And because it’s such a hot button issue, it will be real convenient for everyone to look at how “progressive” Jersey is. Bull. Talk about causing wreaking havoc.

Furthermore, if he’s allowed to toss homosexuality around, I want to bring faith into politics. Oh. My bad. There is no law encouraging the seperaration of sexuality and state.

2) To all democrats – please stop whining or please cork those of you who are. I try so hard not to be partisan, but I’m growing sick and tired of these individuals (mostly democrats) who keep wanting the government to do everything for them becasue of their oh-so-pitiful-I’m-not-rich victim complexes.

If you spent as much time being responsible for yourself and less time looking and acting like a 4 year old, you’d probably be one of the rich people you want to tax the bejezus out of.

And talk about a conumdrum, eh?

3) If John Kerry really is taking both sides on this Vietnam thing for his own personal gain, that caused him to lose my vote. At least be honest. I don’t care if you dodged the draft or whatever, but don’t be all proud of serving, and then change your mind, and then change it back again. That’s disgraceful to those who came home and had to deal with the ridicule after going to a place where they didn’t want to be. Furthermore, when there’s smoke, there’s fire, and after all this talk about Cambodia, it makes be wonder.

4) James Carville is a prick – regardless of politics. ’nuff said.

5) Bill Clinton, while I did like him when I began to care about politics, is in my mind to blame for the state we’re in now. The reason why he looks good though is because he knows how to talk… he’s graceful. GWB can’t talk his way out of a wet paper bag, but he does shoot straight. And maybe we don’t understand him, but at least he tries. And goodness, that’s better in my mind than glossing things over and riding on the coattails of those before you.

6) Like it or not, folks, republicans are better for the economy.

7) al-Sadr has stones to apply for a purple heart. Forgive my uber-testosterone speak, but I’d have no problem for them to present it to him on a Patriot missle. That being said…

8) Let Iraq take care of its own. And then we’ll see if we were right. (which we will be, in my humble opionion)

a journal entry featuring the day (an actual journal for once)

peaceandlove

Poppycock and flim-flam

I’m sitting in my room here, waiting to get really tired so I can get to bed, and I’m thinking about the summer.

Which for most of you is enough, but far be it from me to stop there.

1. I’ve learned that I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m also not bad either. The problem is people either tell me I’m great or I suck. I encourage people from now on just to say I’m okay.

2. Breakin’ up is hard to do. No matter what side of it you’re on. Because you still sacrifice your heart.
-but-
3. There is no panacea except optimism coupled with faith in the Lord.

4. For so many years I’ve thought to myself that I’m in this search to “become the man I want to be”. And I thought about it today, and for some reason that mantra doesn’t seem to fit anymore. Not to say I’m where I want or need to be, but I think the becoming has became and I’m slowly developing the man I am.

5. I become motivated in the clutch. Senior year and I have more energy at this point than I have ever since being in college. I’m feeling like I don’t handle new beginnings as well as I thought I did, but relish when I’m finally comfortable and can spread my roots. It’s that growth stage where I’m at my best. And this Business Plan has me at 110%. History would show that I typically get less excited about things once the going gets tough, but it’s something I’m working on and trying to be better at – following through takes all the passion I have and focuses it. My roomie last year, Josh, told me on multiple occasions “Adam, if you did half the stuff you said you’d do, it would be awesome”… I’ve tried to take that to heart.
5b. Josh Bush has really been one of the best friends I’ve ever had in my entire life.

6. When I have an idea of what I want out of life (be it your job, your family, your future girlfriend/wife), I should never, ever compromise those beliefs. On the contrary, I should be refining them. Every day allots another chance for me to understand in a greater capacity God’s ultimate plan for my life. And I don’t see God as a backpedaler.

7. If I’m wrong, however, I need to be the first to admit it.

8. Politics really does interest me.

9. I still hate growing up.

Well, I think I may try to call my good (and only) friend from Oklahoma. And then it’s off to bed and onto Maine.

peaceandlove

Thursday

Yeah. My last day of work at American Standard. I can’t believe it’s all gone by so quickly. I mean, it doesn’t even feel like it’s August. I still am thinking it’s June or something.

But, as my wise teacher Mr. Jack Auman said, life feels like 1 divided by your years. So while you’re young, life goes at, say, 1/4th, it’s quite a bit different at 1/21st.

I’m an idiot, by the way. I dented my van on my way to get a celebratory “last day of work” breakfast sammich from Dunkin Donuts. The thing you have to understand about our Dunkin Donuts is that the drive thru is not designed for anything but bicycles basically because it’s such a tight turn. Anyway, I didn’t negotiate it properly and bit one of the caution poles, denting a small portion of the driver’s side middle door. And why is it that car metal always sounds about 50 times worse than any other metal bending or crunching? Personally, I find that squeal the most annoying sound in the world.

As as a postscript, my brother agreed that it wasn’t bad. So I don’t feel completely stupid… only partially.

I talked to Kaylan on the phone on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, and it was so nice to hear her voice again after all the many times we’d missed each other and played phone tag. She is so easy to talk to, and considering I don’t know her all that well, it’s really odd and impressive. I’ve noticed that those are the people that you either get really close to and really come to care for, or the people who burn out quickly because you get too deep too quick. I feel as though this will be the former over the latter, mainly because we’re a lot the same type of person. I look back on many of her entries and think about how I would react similarly to the same situation. And while I don’t think everyone should be the same as you when you seek out friendships, it’s nice to have a couple people that understand who you are on a subconscious level. It’s those type of people that sustain you.

I’m sure she isn’t the only one, but she’s the most apparent right now.

The BPC is rolling at a good pace considering we aren’t even in school yet. My friend Russell is designing a logo for our company (which I’m hoping will be named Congruent Enterprises), and by the time I get back from vacation I hope to have a mission statement and parts of an executive summary. My ultimate goals for the project are:

1) To have a business plan by December
2) To have created a downtown incubator for students and community (and also to be used as Congruent Enterprises main offices) by December
3) To have at least 50% of the investors needed by March
4) To win the competition in April

I’ve given a lot of thought to actually seeing the concept through and staying in Grove City as the CEO of the company itself. Running my own company was something I didn’t envision when I started college. But now, as the project takes shape and becomes something that actually could work, I see the possibilities. I know too there are a couple members of my team now that may be willing to take a couple years and help me get it off the ground. I just keep thinking that God has blessed this project already and maybe this is the door I’ve been waiting to walk through. And if not, it’s okay, because when I’m done with Congruent, I will have tremendous experience in what it takes to run a company, and it will surely help me in the long run.

I’m still looking at grad schools, and think I may take some serious time looking into Ohio State. Not only is it close (3 hours) and cheaper (in state), they have a dual degree program for Higher Education and Human Resources – so basically I’d get a masters in the two things I want to do in life. And that seems perfect. The only thing is the GRE. Blugh. But I hear most Grovers do ridiculously well on it (consider that the average ACT score is a 27 or so and then add your bell curve to that… it’d make sense), so I suppose I should have faith in that. But it’s still standardized testing, and it’s still a couple hundred dollars and it’s still having to be clutch the first time. But hey, I’m down for clutch.

Tomorrow it’s embarking on Bar Harbor, Maine, where the weather next week will vacillate from rainy to sunny and the highs will be in the low to mid 70s. Perfect.

peaceandlove

Yeah… I’m sure you all wanted <i>this</i> today

In an effort to have one entry today, I give you The Church of SpongeBob Squarepants

http://www.churchofspongebob.org/

Enjoy.  And while I have decided not to convert, I will use some of its tenets in my walk with God.

peaceandlove,
adam

Odds and Ends

As part of my “many entry day”, I submit another entry featuring all of the random things in my head today.

So the first thing to talk about is going to the wedding Saturday. It was great. We were in Oakland near the Cathedral of Learning in Pittsburgh in the Church of the Ascension. It was the magnificent stone building (which, as we saw on the front, was “builded” in 1896 and 1897). Emily’s dress was amazing, and Ian looked as happy as ever. We had a good time, and it was great to see so many Buffaloes past and present. I can’t wait to see them all in a couple weeks.

I’m starting to feel sad about almost being done at American Standard, but only when I think about my dad. We’ve gotten so much closer as a result. I remember when I was little I would sit on his lap and ask him what color tub he made that day. And then I went to American Standard and actually got to see the colors he made. We’ve ridden together for the last 3 years now, and it’ll be sad not to have that time and to share those minutes during the day. It really struck me as I was walking on the fourth floor today. There’s a door that you can walk right on the roof, and when I walked to it I looked around the plant and just thought “well, gee, this is about it, isn’t it?” I’m learning I’m not very good at dealing with change. I’ll leave American Standard on Thursday and basically be done with it forever and go on to different things. And my dad will still be here. For some reason that depresses me. Not very many sons get the chance to work with their dad, and I did.

Gosh. It really does make me sad.

In better news, I think I may have a name for the Business Plan company a few of us are creating: Congruent Enterprises. Congruent basically means to harmonize two different things, and that’s the point of my company. It’s nice to have somewhere to go now.

And for that matter, I unveiled the time line I want to follow to the rest of the team, and hopefully we’re going to get started. I’ve also created the board hierarchy and the stock designations, and so now it’s a matter of starting to make something out of nothing, which is one of my favorite things to do. I just hope I can keep my team as excited about all of it as I am.

Something that has happened over the last couple weeks is that I’ve gained a new sense of somber peace. It’s almost a realization of my place right now in life, and how close I’m coming to independence and how scary that really is. I still don’t like growing up, and I doubt I’m ever going to. But I will enjoy the future and what it holds. It’s a tough dichotomy to live through, but it seems inherent to me. Ah well.

Tomorrow is out with the mom type to get school supplies, and then packing for school and vacation. MMMMMMM… Maine.

I’m determined to try blueberry ale while I’m up there. I’ll let you all know the verdict when I get back.

peaceandlove

The ladies and gentlemen that comprise my links

I want to encourage those of you who read my journal on a regular basis to take a look at these people. Each of them are/were significantly close to me at one time or another, and I love to check out what they’re saying:

russel stelts – Russ is a senior with me, and like Jon, has been part of my group of close guy friends since freshman year. He’s roommates with Justin (pedrotheas), and has always provided a great viewpoint on things. He’s been one of the few people that has been willing to get into my face about things, and while it may have been difficult to hear then, it has always been greatly appreciated, and I don’t know if I’ve told him that enough.

emily rossol – Emily is a sophomore this year. I got to know her and Bethany because of their close friendship with a couple of the guys on my hall, and in turn their friendships with me. It’s been a blessing to get to know Emily and watch her relationship with Jesse grow. I can’t wait to see both of them real soon.

bethany geer – Bethany is someone I psuedoknew, as her brother was on my freshman hall. She’s one of the most generally down to earth and relaxing individuals I’ve met. She takes things in such great stride.

jon wilkening – Jon has been one of my friend’s has been around through thick and thin. He’s unassuming, but when you need him, he’s always there, and always has insightful things to say that never are rude or hurtful, but always edifying.

lindsay smith – Lindsay Smith is hands-down the best journal/blog author of all of the journals I keep track of. She has such an amazing wit and can get her point across in ways that will blow you away. Lindsay Vance Smith, you are a delight.

So feel free to peruse and comment on their journals. I’m sure they’d appreciate it.

peaceandlove

mmmmmm poem time

Afraid So

Is it starting to rain?
Did the check bounce?
Are we out of coffee?
Is this going to hurt?
Could you lose your job?
Did the glass break?
Was the baggage misrouted?
Will this go on my record?
Are you missing much money?
Was anyone injured?
Is the traffic heavy?
Do I have to remove my clothes?
Will it leave a scar?
Must you go?
Will this be in the papers?
Is my time up already?
Are we seeing the understudy?
Will it affect my eyesight?
Did all the books burn?
Are you still smoking?
Is the bone broken?
Will I have to put him to sleep?
Was the car totaled?
Am I responsible for these charges?
Are you contagious?
Will we have to wait long?
Is the runway icy?
Was the gun loaded?
Could this cause side effects?
Do you know who betrayed you?
Is the wound infected?
Are we lost?
Can it get any worse?

I think today is going to be wrought with many entries sparsed throughout the day. Wedding was this weekend, school’s coming up, there’s much politiking to speak of, and how do you like it that I’m 2nd to JQK in the straw poll, and a can of paint is tied with Dubya? Profound.

peaceandlove

Report…

Done. My report for all of the bosses at American Standard is done. Finito. As in even proofread.

It’s 37 slides long. I covered 9 topics, and the sad part is that’s not even all of it.

And yet, as I think about that, I think how much free time I’ve had, I wonder if either I’m really efficent, or they just didn’t give me enough to do.

Oh well, all’s well that ends well.

I have to give this report to the plant manager, my boss and his (and my) boss today at 10, then again at 11, and then after all of that I’ll probably have to do it again to everyone else sometime next week or when I’m back at school (yeah conference call).

Talk to you all soon.

peaceandlove

60293

Good Morning

I’m feeling better today. So whatever funk I was in seemed to lift itself. Which is the way it typically works. I get upset, work through trying to figure it out, and sooner or later it lifts (typically when I get the right answer I think)

Anyway, I think mainly it was because I’ve been feeling kinda lonely of late. The same thing of work, home, sleep wears on me, and while I love my parents and really enjoy hanging out with them, when you see the same two seneries, it grows boring.

I talked to Valerie last night for a few minutes. I had talked to her for nearly an hour last Thursday, and when we were done she said “well, if you want to, you can call me while I’m on vacation. I’m not roaming so that’d be okay.” Not wanting to miss out on that opportunity (like she and I discussed last night – when you talk to someone cool it makes you cooler, but when they’re far away and you talk to them, it makes you even cooler) I called her. It was really nice to hear her laugh and all of that. She’s so much fun.

Today I spend most of the time getting my reports ready for the end. Whoopie. Wedding and Nate’s apartment on Saturday. Sincere whoopie!

Also, right now, I’m wearing size 36 pants. This has not happened for about a year and a half. The whole working out and not eating as much is paying off.

peaceandlove

ps – I encourage you all to go back to my political rant a few days back. I added some more stuff and I think it’s interesting. Just my opinion, but feel free to peruse 🙂

a

Haiku Generator

Here’s the only one I’ve gotten so far that makes any sense:

early frustrated
albatross harvesting cool
streams screaming, moaning

Wednesday

Yep folks, we’re coming down to the last of the last. Thursday, Friday, Monday, Thursday. And that’s it. And then it’s the relaxation of Maine. I can’t wait to get away for a little bit. I’ve determined (like I said before), it’s going to be me, my Bible, my Journal (my real written one I used for my prayer journal), and hours sitting on the rocks in prayer and meditation. I’m learning that’s what I need.

Lately, as I’ve been reviewing my summer, I’m finding out that my walk is falling by the wayside a little bit. Where I was hoping to be now isn’t where I am. And I really only have myself to blame for any of it. Every summer I go into it with the thought that I’ll read my Bible more and I’ll draw closer to God, when really I let a lot of things get in my way – work, sleeping, running, petty arguments, whatever. They all serve to draw my focus away from Jesus.

The worst part is I’m someone easily distracted. I get focused into praying, and then my mind will wander and I don’t pay attention to the original reason why I was praying. It’s comical, because I’ll pray “Lord, please help me to be more forgiving of others” and then I’ll think “well, he did this and he did that and it made me mad”.

And I think about the fact next year I’ll be doing the Bible studies for the Buffaloes, and if I’m really at a point where I can lead these guys spiritually. It was easy in High School to believe I was because I didn’t know as much as I know now. Now I’m afraid, and I feel empty, and it’s real close to the time when I have to start stepping it up.

I haven’t felt more empty or more upset at my own attitudes then I do now. And it’s tough right now to believe Justin McRoberts when he writes:

“…Lead from weakness. What do we want to lead people to? A relationship with Jesus. What is the basis of our relationship with Jesus? His Grace. Doesn’t it make sense then, that one of the most important things to teach is failure. For, it is only in failure that we recognize our need for His Grace and find therein a relationship with Jesus…”

And maybe if there’s something I’ve learned this summer, it’s that. I’m not nearly as good as I thought I was. I’m a lair, I’m arrogant, I crave satisfaction from other people, I give into lust on a regular basis, I can treat people poorly, and I’m a sinful being that has fallen far away from the glories God has promised. But therein lies the wonderful part of God. Christ died on the cross for guys like me. He died so I could keep going and keep trying. And while people may not be able to forgive and encourage and edify, God will.

Every summer previous God’s made it easy. God has let me relax and learn things slowly. And this year He hasn’t. This year it’s been trial by fire. The consolation I have, however, is that if God is training me hard now, the race coming up will be big. My witness can grow, and makes me think more and more how exciting of a year this is going to be upcoming.

Thank you Father for loving me even when I don’t love myself.

peaceandlove

Talkin’ ’bout womens…

Jon Wilkening (who I now have linked on the side) and I were talking about girls last night, and oddly enough we came to the same exact conclusion about something:

Jon wrote this in his last journal entry:

“… However, the best memories are reserved for those quiet nights spent talking to Anna [his girlfriend] wherever our journeys brought us together. A lot can be learnt over a simple cup of coffee or tea and a willingness to share one’s thoughts and ideas. The little things in life often bring the greatest joy. You don’t need to spend a lot of money on a fancy date to get to know a person. Elaborate surroundings can mask a persons’s true nature. We get caught up in the outward trappings rather than discovering a person’s real nature. Communication fuels a relationship rather than simply sending time with each other. Two hours spent in a movie theatre will not reveal anything about a person. A quiet walk in the park will better accomplish the end of furthering your relationship…”

Oddly enough I was talking to Valerie about the same thing on Thursday. When I find the girl I want to marry, I think the biggest things is that we need to share love in the mundane. I’ve never been a guy who thought showing love meant flowers and fancy dinners. I think the biggest way to show love is cuddling with someone late at night watching TV or just talking. Running together in the afternoon because you both want to still look good. Sitting together first thing in the morning talking about the day upcoming. To me, if I had those, I’d never need to go take big vacations. My soul would be right there. And when the big things happened, they’d be that much more significant.

I just think of it as being able to have thousands of little “I love you”S throughout the year than 3 or 4 “I LOVE YOU OH MY GOODNESS”S scattered around the year. Because with the former, there’s no doubt that I love and cherish her more than any other person on this earth. But the latter leaves a lot of space where there’s doubt.

Obviously, what’s clutch is to have both. But I doubt I’ll have the money for awhile to do both.

Anyway, I thought it was funny to hear Jon say it too, at roughly the same time.

Things I’ve learned in the last 24 hours:

1) Back spasms hurt like woah. But Vicodin fixes it.

2) I’m the one that broke it off with Lindsay, and maybe I should remember that. I didn’t want this relationship anymore, and so being upset about it is silly. And besides, this what I’ve always hoped would happen – I’ve always wanted Lindsay to move on before me because that means she’s doing her thing so I can do mine (which I never could back before).

3) Self-pity has no place in the Kingdom of God. There’s too much to live for. And while we all get down and out every once in awhile, we’ve been given too much as children of God to ever not be joyful and excited for what’s going to happen.

The more I think about it, the more next year is going to be amazing. And if for some odd reason it isn’t, well, at least it’s my last year there. =)

I’ll write more later.

peaceandlove

God is good.

As I the computer was going through the random songs on my computer, it came onto this.  Why I ever doubt my Father is beyond me.

I’ve watched my dreams all fade away
And blister in the sun
Everything i’ve ever had is unraveled and undone
I’ve set upon a worthless stack
Of my ambitious plans
And the people that i’ve loved the most
Have turned their backs and ran

This is the good life
I’ve lost everything
I could ever want
And ever dream of
This is the good life
I found everything
I could ever need
Here in your arms

Loneliness has left me searching
For someone to love
Poverty has changed my view
Of what true riches are
Sorrow’s opened up my eyes
To see what real joy is
Pain has been the catalyst
To my heart’s happiness

This is the good life
I’ve lost everything
I could ever want
And ever dream of
This is the good life
I found everything
I could ever need
Here in your arms

What good would it be
If you had everything
But you wouldn’t have
The only thing you need

This is the good life
I’ve lost everything
I could ever want
And ever dream of
This is the good life
I found everything
I could ever need
Here in your arms

About the name of our company for Business Plan Competition

awra2001 (12:17:05 PM): It’s has to be something with a sense of prestige
awra2001 (12:17:29 PM): Something strong and powerful. Like a rock. Something that will last that has the commitments to the future like a college does
pedrotheas (11:18:21 AM): something that doesn’t suck
awra2001 (12:18:51 PM): agreed.
awra2001 (12:19:08 PM): we should call ourselves “Something That Doesn’t Suck, LLC”
pedrotheas (11:19:41 AM): lol it’s catchy, it’s edgy, in-your-face without being overbearing…
awra2001 (12:19:56 PM): right
awra2001 (12:20:16 PM): We could shorten it to “STDS”
pedrotheas (11:21:01 AM): LOL
pedrotheas (11:22:04 AM): oh yeah, that’d look great. “I’m the manager of STDS”
pedrotheas (11:22:34 AM): if we expand, we could say that we have multiple “STDS”
awra2001 (12:23:13 PM): LOL
pedrotheas (11:23:31 AM): if we all have equal shares, we’d have multiple STDS with multiple partners
awra2001 (12:23:40 PM): Oh my goodness
awra2001 (12:23:42 PM): This is great
pedrotheas (11:23:53 AM): oh, the puns would be LIMITLESS
awra2001 (12:26:09 PM): Well, we have to be sure to mention this to the guys
pedrotheas (11:26:45 AM): lol
awra2001 (12:26:57 PM): We all have our part to make STDS better and stronger
pedrotheas (11:27:36 AM): and to see it spread across the nation
awra2001 (12:28:02 PM): So that sooner or later, college students everywhere can say they’ve been affected by STDS
awra2001 (12:28:16 PM): for the better!
pedrotheas (11:29:36 AM): it can be our mission to make STDS an integral part of their lives
pedrotheas (11:30:07 AM): a little piece of something special to go with them for the rest of their lives

Good Morning – Soul Searching Volume One

Welcome to another edition of “Adam needs to talk about things personal and probably rant and so his entry is friends-only”

I’ll put it behind a cut for your benefits.

This thing with Lindsay is slowly eating away at me. I can’t give away all the details because she asked me not to, but what I can say is that quite a bit has transpired and it’s frustrating me.

But I’m learning that this is becoming less and less a battle between she and I and much more a battle of myself.

I have so many insecurities about me. I don’t know where they ever originated, but in situations where people choose someone else over me, it comes up (and that should give you a fair idea about what’s going on with me and her). Why wasn’t I good enough for that person? What wasn’t I doing that I try so hard to do? What did I screw up and what makes someone else so much better than me?

My mom made a joke a couple days ago that if a serial killer had a choice between me and someone else and ended up killing the other person, I’d feel disappointed that they didn’t pick me. While it’s morbid and funny, it’s true in its own way. Even if someone’s bad for me, I’d rather them choose me. I know (and if you ask any of my friends they’ll tell you too) that Lindsay was bad for me. She stifled me, she took advantage of me, and she made me feel bad (and I’ll admit I made her feel bad more than my fair share). But still, I’d rather her still want to be with me than someone else. Which is selfish, unfair, and sorta silly. But it’s those insecurities which rattle on me.

So then, obviously, the question is where’s the solution? The answer is so simple, yet so difficult – I need to give it all over to God. Every last bit of it. Down to the fact that I need to hand over the management of the persual of my future wife to Him, which is the last bit of control I want to have. I’ve always wanted to be the man when it came to my own relationships. My career? Gave it to God. My college group choices? Gave it to God. But the mere thought of giving up my relationships to God made me mad, because that would require patience and trusting in the unknown – two things I’m not always very good at. And so I never saw the reason not to pursue whomever because hey, that meant I was pursuing them and it was happening. All the while I put God on the shelf with girls in my life. And it’s also because fundamentally I’m a romantic person and see no higher calling than that of being a husband and loving my wife. God excluded, everything else comes secondary. And so I truly enjoy that bond you can have with someone of the opposite sex, how good it feels to tell secrets, to watch the sun set together, to cuddle in the grass and all of that sappy stuff. And so once again, I’m impatient, so I want it now. Then there’s always the thought of “what happens if I never get married” but then I think the amount of people who aren’t married who want to be is so, so small I don’t even need to worry.

So here’s the rub: God wants me to give everything over to Him to lighten my burdens, and yet I enjoy having those unneeded burdens because I’m impatient and want what I want when I want and under my own control. And then on top of that, Satan takes advantage of my weaknesses, exploits them and I begin to start to pity myself, get angry at people who don’t deserve it, and just become a major jerk all in the name of what I want.

And that right there bothers me the most – because I’m the one ultimately responsible for this, and yet I do nothing to solve it. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and I’ve given people a contract to humiliate. God is teaching me so much right now – learning to give up everything to Him, the knowledge that strength is power under control, the knowledge that God does have that perfect person out there for me but I need to trust in Him who’s perfect first, and that for too long I’ve had my priorities mixed up and am in desperate need of a change there.

So I begin to leave it here right now. My worries and frustrations, I give to God. My weakness is strength and God’s made perfect through it, and it’s His. I’ll give Him my relationships, because He ultimately will be the one to guide and direct them properly. And after the forging by fire is over, I’ll be able to come back to this point and realize what God’s blessed me with and how much stronger I’ve become as a result.

Hopefully there was something there that some of you who might be struggling through the same things can appreciate. I can’t wait to see you all soon enough.

peaceandlove

57887

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining as bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else’s arms
I’ve been trying my best to get along
But that’s okay, there’s nothing else to say

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories. I don’t need ’em.
Take your space and take your reasons
But you’ll think of me
Take your cap and leave my sweater
‘Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I’ll feel a whole lot better
But you’ll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all my ruins that my emotions left
I guess I’m feeling just a little tired of this
And all this baggage that seems to still exist
It seems that the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been, what we should have been

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories. I don’t need ’em.
Take your space and take your reasons
But you’ll think of me
Take your cap and leave my sweater
Because we have nothing left to weather
In fact I’ll feel a whole lot better
But you’ll think of me

Someday I’m gonna run across your mind
But don’t worry I’ll be fine
I’m gonna be alright
While you’re sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I’ll be over you and on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories. I don’t need ’em.
Take your space and take your reasons
But you’ll think of me
Take your cap and leave my sweater
Because we have nothing left to weather
In fact I’ll feel a whole lot better
But you’ll think of me

In light of my last entry and the week ahead

I think my stance on this journal will be from here on and here out public with a few friends-only entries shoved in there.

Because there really are just certain things I want to say to cyberspace, but perhaps just to an audience.

Well, this week marks the beginning of the last full week of work here at American Standard ever. Which is strange to me because they have given me a job for the last four years. And while my level of efficency has (in my opinion) dwindled off over the last couple years, I feel like after you realize you aren’t going to progress anywhere in a company you sort of stop trying. I got as far as I was ever going to go at that place, and that’s fine. I think I’ve given them stuff that has helped (the Armoloy project I worked on last summer and this summer will save the company 3,000 dollars guaranteed plus whatever defect reduction they recieve, and I’m real close to developing an alternative glue that might just fix the leaking problems in acrylics) and in return they’ve given me a great looking resume.

Saturday marks Ian and Emily’s wedding, and it will be the first psuedo-Grove City College event since the fallout with Lindsay. It’ll be a glimpse of what next year will be like, and while I’m excited, it’ll still be different. However, there’ll be plenty of Buffaloes (with a few newlyweds as in this summer), plent of people that graduated the last couple years I haven’t seen (Becca Zorch and a lot of her friends), and a lot of other people I’m sure I haven’t met yet. It’ll also be nice because I’ll be at a table filled with the guys I’ll be living with next year, and I’ve really come to like those guys a whole lot. Delta Rho Sigma was certianly one of the best things I’ve been able to do since going to college.

I’m still working on getting myself out of whatever funk I’ve been in this week. I think come Saturday I’m going to be relaxed and happy. No work on August 9th (packing and maybe GCRI), work 10th and 11th, and then vacation in which this year I won’t be using my laptop nor will I get online. Just me, my family, and the rocks. Soul searching at its finest.

peaceandlove