Welcome to another edition of “Adam needs to talk about things personal and probably rant and so his entry is friends-only”
I’ll put it behind a cut for your benefits.
This thing with Lindsay is slowly eating away at me. I can’t give away all the details because she asked me not to, but what I can say is that quite a bit has transpired and it’s frustrating me.
But I’m learning that this is becoming less and less a battle between she and I and much more a battle of myself.
I have so many insecurities about me. I don’t know where they ever originated, but in situations where people choose someone else over me, it comes up (and that should give you a fair idea about what’s going on with me and her). Why wasn’t I good enough for that person? What wasn’t I doing that I try so hard to do? What did I screw up and what makes someone else so much better than me?
My mom made a joke a couple days ago that if a serial killer had a choice between me and someone else and ended up killing the other person, I’d feel disappointed that they didn’t pick me. While it’s morbid and funny, it’s true in its own way. Even if someone’s bad for me, I’d rather them choose me. I know (and if you ask any of my friends they’ll tell you too) that Lindsay was bad for me. She stifled me, she took advantage of me, and she made me feel bad (and I’ll admit I made her feel bad more than my fair share). But still, I’d rather her still want to be with me than someone else. Which is selfish, unfair, and sorta silly. But it’s those insecurities which rattle on me.
So then, obviously, the question is where’s the solution? The answer is so simple, yet so difficult – I need to give it all over to God. Every last bit of it. Down to the fact that I need to hand over the management of the persual of my future wife to Him, which is the last bit of control I want to have. I’ve always wanted to be the man when it came to my own relationships. My career? Gave it to God. My college group choices? Gave it to God. But the mere thought of giving up my relationships to God made me mad, because that would require patience and trusting in the unknown – two things I’m not always very good at. And so I never saw the reason not to pursue whomever because hey, that meant I was pursuing them and it was happening. All the while I put God on the shelf with girls in my life. And it’s also because fundamentally I’m a romantic person and see no higher calling than that of being a husband and loving my wife. God excluded, everything else comes secondary. And so I truly enjoy that bond you can have with someone of the opposite sex, how good it feels to tell secrets, to watch the sun set together, to cuddle in the grass and all of that sappy stuff. And so once again, I’m impatient, so I want it now. Then there’s always the thought of “what happens if I never get married” but then I think the amount of people who aren’t married who want to be is so, so small I don’t even need to worry.
So here’s the rub: God wants me to give everything over to Him to lighten my burdens, and yet I enjoy having those unneeded burdens because I’m impatient and want what I want when I want and under my own control. And then on top of that, Satan takes advantage of my weaknesses, exploits them and I begin to start to pity myself, get angry at people who don’t deserve it, and just become a major jerk all in the name of what I want.
And that right there bothers me the most – because I’m the one ultimately responsible for this, and yet I do nothing to solve it. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and I’ve given people a contract to humiliate. God is teaching me so much right now – learning to give up everything to Him, the knowledge that strength is power under control, the knowledge that God does have that perfect person out there for me but I need to trust in Him who’s perfect first, and that for too long I’ve had my priorities mixed up and am in desperate need of a change there.
So I begin to leave it here right now. My worries and frustrations, I give to God. My weakness is strength and God’s made perfect through it, and it’s His. I’ll give Him my relationships, because He ultimately will be the one to guide and direct them properly. And after the forging by fire is over, I’ll be able to come back to this point and realize what God’s blessed me with and how much stronger I’ve become as a result.
Hopefully there was something there that some of you who might be struggling through the same things can appreciate. I can’t wait to see you all soon enough.