Month / November 2002

by adam anderson

Thinking away…

Before reading, let it be known that this is mostly for my own sake… huge venting time with me and God, but maybe someone might benefit from this.

Being at home is just about the only time I can ever seriously write in my LJ. When I’m at school I write, sure, but I think the majority of it is disconnected and basic. Calderwood didn’t burn down, I didn’t have a seizure, the food was on par. But at home my mind no longer has to be focused on all the homework I have to do – that’s not always a good thing because I can have a tendency to dig too deep into things. However, here we go.

I hate sin. It’s something that has bugged me to no end the last week or so. I hate the fact that I, along with all the rest of people in the world can fall into it so easily. Those who think they don’t are either arrogant or ignorant. I dislike the whole depravity of man debate, but in this case, I feel it’s safe to assume that humans aren’t exactly the greatest bunch of organisms. We do so much dumb stuff – I watched Training Day today… regardless of that being a movie, Denzel Washington’s character was so incredibly crooked. Shot a man then took money to save his own butt (btw – the movie was eh. I could see why Denzel recieved the Oscar for it… it was an incredible performance, but once again the sheer amount of profanity turned me off to the point I don’t think I could recommend the movie… I can see why so many people refuse to watch rated R movies). Anyway, it amazes me to no end how we as humans allow Satan to let us have so much power over us. And believe me, I’m not here to point fingers… name just about any sin in the book – lying, cheating, stealing, sexual immorality, etc… I’m guilty, and if the rest of the world were honest, they would have to say the same thing.

But thinking more about that, it’s forgiveness and repentance that are getting me more than anything right now. I’ve placed myself into situations where I screwed up majorly, and ask for forgiveness, and think I’ve recieved it. And I know that God would never withhold forgivness – if I’m truly repentant… and there’s the rub. For example, I could go to bed tonite and ask God to forgive me for swearing last week, but if I go on next week and cuss someone out… what am I doing, really? The more I think my faith has advanced, the more I see maybe I just like to think I’m doing better and just fool myself. Sometimes I feel the Holy Spirit inside of me and I know at those moments I’m doing such powerful work for the kingdom, and there’s times (especially the last couple of weeks) where all I’ve wanted to do was hide the fact I was a Christian, hide the fact that I should (and that I wanted) to live up to a higher standard than what the world asks. And that angers me to no end. How can I give a Bible Study one night and then the next night lust after a girl? How can I give the gospel and then cheat on a test? It wouldn’t be bad if it were a one time deal, but I keep doing it. That’s where the whole repentance thing comes into play. I realize the things I do are wrong, and I must make a point to want to end them. I realize I can’t do it on my own: God helps. But I also have to be willing to make that change.

I’m angry now. I’m angry that Satan has had so much power over me. I’m angry that I choose to let him take advantage of me and my friends at will. And, more than anything, I’m angry that I don’t do much of anything to stop it. I have been tested more as a Christian in the last year and a half of my life, and I really wonder sometimes how much I really let pass. I know for a fact God’s been using situations in my life to lead me up to this point. This all has got to stop. This deception by Satan needs to end. He’s had me in a chokehold… and I’m fighting back. God has given me so much, and all I’ve done is place it to the side for temporary pleasures. Here I am, twenty years old, and there have been times when I have been so taken advantage of by evil and all that hell does that I’m broken. But I know as a fact God’s here. He’s here to pick me up in his arms and tell me it’s all okay, and it’s all over. He won a long time ago, but there’s a battle still raging. If I’m willing to do what he asks of me (and considering the fact that he sent his son to die for me, and that he forgives me even when I do the equivilent of mooning him on occasion, it doesn’t seem like too much), he’ll save me. I just really want my life to count, and I want my life to be something God will be proud of. I want Him to say when I die “you used the time I gave you and the resources I gave you so perfectly… you really made Me happy.”

Oh well… that was a lot of talking. Suffice it to say this break is going to be a lot of soul searching, discussions with God, and changing of heart. I ask that if you think of it, pray for me. I want so badly to be something amazing for God, and I just need help to get there.

Thanks all, talk to you soon.

Adam.

by adam anderson

On looking at the friend’s LJs…

I looked at Lindsay’s entry and it just got me thinking about a lot of the stuff that has happened in the last few days and that I refuse to lament on these things for the sake of not divulging all the information that I have (I prefer not to be completely vulerable), but I thought I should say something, if for anything the whole “Well, take it or leave it but I’m saying it so there” mentality of livejournals.

Anywho, she’s so right when she spoke about how important it is to have uplifting Christian friends of the same sex. There is only so much one can (and should) speak about their faith to the opposite sex. I can’t honestly speak about my troubles with lust and sex and porn (things every single guy struggles with) with a girl as I can with a guy. It’s not the same. Girls, alas, truly understand what it is to be a man about as much as we understand them. The only woman I figure I’ll get close to understanding completly is my wife, and even then I’m fully expecting to get curveballs thrown at me.

Secondly, I wanted to say how blessed I am to have my friends, but to have Lindsay’s friends too… they’ve all be so honest and open and caring towards myself and her. I’m thankful that they have told me the truth and haven’t either been rude to me or been overly friendly.

Thridly, and briefly, I am truly sorry about the whole Crimson thing. I didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did. Sometimes I still mess up plans. 95% of the time I’m able to keep myself in line and make my schedule work… this time I messed up and I apologize greatly for that. The last thing I ever want to do is to disappoint or hurt. But in this situation I have, and I apoligize.

Ah well… that’s about it for now. It’s the WEEKEND! WOWOWOWOWOWIE!

…See You Space Cowboy.

by adam anderson

Just something I thought about.

When reading my 40 Days book, Pastor Warren wrote about the fact that God doesn’t mind when we doubt and wrestle Him… David, Jacob, Moses… they were men after his own heart, patriarchs and leaders of everything I believe in, and they questioned the God that they loved… and I thought “why don’t we do that anymore?” Why do we allow ourselves to be spoon-fed things all the time by people and we don’t go to God directly and start asking Him the questions? He wants that. He want us to get passionate with Him, and want us to get upset and wrestle with HIM, not with our pastor, not with the person leading the Bible Study, but with Him… after all, isn’t He the one with the perfect answers? And if we’re upset or if we’re questioning, aren’t we getting close to Him? See, I’d rather be so upset with God that I’d like to knock on His door and tell Him how upset I am than sit in my room and fiddle around doing nothing. I wonder how many people do that though… who don’t try to seek God’s answers but their own through other people here.

Whew… lots to think about at 12:54.

And I wanted to say that all the prayers lately for everything that has been going on lately has been appreciated on all sides.

…See You Space Cowboy.

by adam anderson

The second half of my tests…

My Business Law test was a 90… which is nice, except I’m on the fringes of an A… a 91… now, if I do well, say, a 98, I think that’d be satisfactory for me. I’d rather not risk losing an A in any fashion than be a silly Grover and force a real A over an A-…

My marketing test was a 77.5, thanks to a stupid, stupid, STUPID essay on my part. I screwed it up and lost 10 points on it. That did it for my grade. Right now, not including my paper and other stuff, I have a 82… and I won’t tolerate that… I don’t mind a B in the class, but I’m so close. There should acutally be some bonus coming my way soon.

Anyway, regardless, I’m thinking about my grades, and supposing I do well on my next accounting test… here’s how they could fall before finals:

Management: B (Thank God… that 85 helps)
Civ Arts: A
Accounting: B+/A-
Business Law: A-
Marketing: B

Looking at that, that might about be a 3.3 or something. But, regardless, I realize I’m much tougher on myself than anyone else is. And I think I need to stop too. When I was a senior in High School, I stopped caring and got the best grades I ever got. I mean, yeah, I prepared, but it was less about the grade and more about the fun of learning.

Anywho… I’m off to play some Raquetball… peace, love, coconut!

by adam anderson

If reincarnation exsisted…

And I had my choice, I think I’d have to be a squirell at GCC. As I was walking back from lunch, I saw one of them on a maple tree trying to grab the seeds that hadn’t fell yet, and I just watched him do his work. It was amazing and he looked like he was actually enjoying himself, y’know? Just jumping around the tree, no worries, grabbing whatever seeds come his way.

Anyway, I also wanted to say I nearly jumped 20 points on my management score (85 on this last test), and finally scored my first A+ on a test (98 in Civ Arts)

Nice day, day nice.

by adam anderson

Random Talkingness

Today was a better day than most… I don’t know what it was, but it just felt good.

I started out by turning in my schedule, which was of course nice. I’m only waitlisted for one class, and I have a feeling that I could get signed into it if I so desired… it’s stinking Sculpture (yes, folks, Adam Anderson is taking Sculpture next semester… we’ll see how THAT goes)

After that I listened to a speaker in chapel. He’s an assistant to the President for minorities. He grew up in the Bahamas, and so he had that laid back “don’t let anything get to you, man” accent that I wish I had. Then he spoke on the most basic of ideas… the fact that Christ died for our sins and that we get together every Lord’s day to remember Him, and that we can’t forget that “Though the war’s over, the battle’s still raging”. It was one of the most incredible and just… oh… charismatic isn’t the right word, but you just felt an energy coming from the guy – something had a hold of him, something that defined him each time he jumped or each time he started to shout, or each time he would make a point, it was sharp and cut through the sleep of anyone around. I swear, if he spoke every week, I’d need 32 chapel cards. What a time.

Then I had a test I’m fairly sure I aced (thank you Business Law!) and a presentation I think I did well in too. Then we did a project where I had to be a negotiator and try to create a coalition. Although our group had the most buying power, we still had to work… after all, 2 little companies get together and kick the butt of a big company, that’s no fun. But we got the 2nd biggest company and we won! We would have gotten a couple dollars out of it, but instead we’re vying for bonus points.

After that I was interviewed by a girl who’s trying to get a recording studio, I’ve just chilled. This is the first time in about a week I’m had a chance to just relax, and that makes me happy. However, tomorrow I have to start kicking into high gear for a test coming up in accounting next Tuesday. I’m not to worried, so long as I study. Tomorrow I should be getting my grades on my Management and Civ Arts tests… so we’ll see how that goes.

Anyway, raquetball with Russell for a little, then Bible Study, then lifting, then bed. SCORE!

by adam anderson

grrr…

I hate taking steps back. I made a mess of some plans tonite, and usually I’m organized, consistent, and I’m much better at following through on things than I ever have been. And it sucks when I screw up. This is the downside of “Working everything to be better than you were the day before…” I make a mistake that I thought I had fairly under control, and I get my back bit.

by adam anderson

…Just a thought…

A friend of mine often has her away message in the morning say “Start each day with a smile and get it over with” and places a smile there.

I realized how rough of a life that causes you to live then. We talked about it in our Bible Study last night about having a mindset in the morning when you get going. Spending time with God in the morning is such a great way to get yourself focused into thinking about God all day and seeking to worship Him in everything you do… even going to class, eating… God made you for His enjoyment, so that means what you do that he intended you to do is wonderful.

To say “okay… I’ll do one smile and expect the rest of the day to suck” is no way to enjoy life. In fact, it’s a way to just get life to go downhill.

Kinda short, but it just made me think.

Anywho… catch you all later.

by adam anderson

Finally…

I kept telling myself I’d get around to writing in here again, but actually writing something of depth. And it hasn’t been a matter of having nothing of depth to write about, just rather I’m either too busy or too lazy to do anything about it. This seems to be about the only captive audience I have to talk about all these wierd things that go on in my head, and like I said before, you can either enjoy it or just move on.

Anyway, 2 things.

The first thing I’ve been thinking about stems from a conversation I had last night with a friend of mine in which she said that somehow while talking to another friend said I was someone who was defined by the things I do. I’ve thought about that for awhile, y’know… is it a good thing to be defined by what you do… or are you really losing yourself? I’ve come to decide that at least with me I’m not defined by what I do, but that I immerse myself in whatever I do with as much passion I can muster, and go for it. For example, my friends brought up that when I was on Orientation Board, I was Mr. OB. When I was a teacher last year, I was the poster child for English/Sec. Ed, and now that I’m a Marketing Major, I’m all businessman. Well, that’s because regardless of what I do, I’m going to do it at 200%. I think it’s almost a bad thing if your idenity isn’t in someway influenced by what you do. After all, I, as a Christian, am influenced by that. Some people think it may be inconsistent, but I mean, I’m doing it, and I’m partially defined by it… it doesn’t matter what I’m doing.

I hope that made sense.

Anyway, I think I might wait on my next thing, but suffice it to say it’s made me think too. It’s about doing your best and striving.

I think I’m going to put a random question on here again for people to answer because that’s fun 🙂

If you could tell anybody anything about yourself, what would it be?

I think I’d tell a couple my friends that I’m consistent and work hard to be the best I can be, because I think some people think I jump back and forth on a lot of things. To be honest, though my decision might switch, I am consistent with what I believe.

Anyway, class time soon… Catch you all later… and hope to hear some responses!